The Tab

The pre-labor show is in full swing. The coach is in the locker room prepping the team. The cheerleaders are on the side lines cheering for our little baby. The mascots, Rebel and Bowie, are doing somersaults and getting the crowd revved up.

The playbook calls for a lot of trust, though. One teammate runs long, the other throws. The ball should be there. To my surprise, we don't get our baby's trust for free, right out of the womb; we've got to earn it.

One book says "From the moment of birth, children BEGIN the task of assessing IF they can trust the world they live in to meet their needs." Huh, begin, if? Haven't we as parents already begun to foster trust, by meeting his needs from day one. Baby Ethan has been plugged in the whole time, getting nutrients, warmth, cable TV. You can't buy trust either; we just ran up a $400 tab at Baby's R Us yesterday in baby gear and equipment. All to "meet his needs" and "foster trust." How much more trust does he need? The book says, "Making children feel loved is the single most important task of parenting."

By the way, how many pads does our little teammate need? He's got mattress pads, changing pads, changing pad covers, mattress covers, travel pad, crib bumbers, car seat cover...AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Our equipment guy has some work to do.

Geneticists Need Not Apply

The bun is done! 36 weeks and our baby is doing great! He kicks! He twirls! He squirms! His head is oriented in a favorable exit fashion!

He's got style! He is well educated! Last week he learned about labor and delivery in an all day marathon, parents were invited. I'll spare you the details, but did you know how many different ways a baby may exit or be exited from his womb. Many.

Apparently, too, the technology has not been updated since the 80s seeing that all the mom and dad actors are from that time period. Grunge dad, punk mom. They may be grandparents by now.

As our due date approaches the hype has hit a high. Classes are in full gear, breathe, squat and efface away! Knowledge is power and our baby Blake has it!

All except, that is, for the geneticists. Let them sit in their corners, like engineers and lawyers, and tell us the Ps and Qs about our baby. I'd rather speculate and so should you too! That's why join us in the polls that follow. The days of gestation are short and birth nigh.

My dear acquaintance it is good to know you, with joy in our hearts for the blessed new..one.

Smudge's First Christmas

Our Christmas was a good one and a white one, too. Smudge had his first Christmas and we barely made it out of Denver because of all the snow. We hope that your holidays were as joyful.

Gene Speaks

Many of you have wondered, rightly so, how will our child look? Your anticipation has been heard and you will not be disappointed. Through advanced technology, the world's scientists have created a preliminary peek at how beautiful our child will be. Using DNA, social studies, psychological profiles, family history, fashion sense, quantum physics, time travel, geology, anthropology, math, in utero imaging, and just a little bit of educational guessing, a computer "The Gene Machine", has presented the following photo of our child. Irrefutably, you will agree, as all people must, that our child is an elegant merger of all the best physical, mental and spiritual qualities that Kelly and I can offer. Don't hold back any judgment please because we are confident that it's all good. Thanks Gene!

Yoga Throw Down Part 2

I am getting prepped for the next couples yoga. Thanks to Wai-Lana. Please check out her web site www.wailana.com.

Diaper Delights

Our first diapers,
They made me cry,
To think of what
Might pass them by...

Or onto them.
And then with grasp
of reality, I said of him:
He will need many.

No Fly Zone

We entered the no fly zone today, though we didn't know it. Our doctor informed us that Kelly shouldn't fly at least two months before our boy's birth. Well she is already booked to fly to Denver in January.

We kind of broke the news to our doctor in the way that a child lets his parent know he has done something wrong:

"Doctor, when is it unsafe to fly?"

"Well you really shouldn't do so two months before your due date. It really isn't advisable"

"Two months, huh?"

"Yes, the beginning of January for you, you enter the NoFlyMester (TM)."

"The Nofly--what?"

"The Noflymester (TM) the period of time when by flying you risk..."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, what are you planning?"

"Well I've already booked a flight in mid-January."

"Really? Well, it's better you don't fly during that time. The risk is... You really don't want that and the airline doesn't want that. But it probably won't happen."

"I didn't know."

"Well, there's plenty of good doctors in Denver."

"Ok, but can we change the subject now, because I don't plan to change my plans and I have already read the "books" and they said otherwise. Sorry I didn't consult you."

"Yeah, thanks for asking."

Sulking from the parental reprimand, we walked out with our heads low, essentially trying to evade the radar of prenatal propriety. Luckily, Kelly's sugar didn't stay too low as she had only minutes before gulped down a yummy GLUCO-SODEE-POP, which I guess had the purpose of setting a benchmark to test for gestational diabetes. Too serious to be funny, but a standard test so don't worry.

NoFlyMester (TM) is a trademark term, asserted under state and federal law, applying to and used in connection with the goods and services provided in interstate commerce herein. All exclusive rights are expressly reserved.